Spiritual Speed Limits: Growing at the Pace of Grace

July 24, 2026May 30, 2026 / Mark Brady / Leave a comment

Wooden sign beside a rural road reading 'GROW SLOW The Nature's Path Cultivate Flourish Be Patient' — Image generated via AI.

Spiritual speed limits are one of the most compassionate truths woven into the life of faith. They remind us that while God can move in an instant, humans grow in seasons. Scripture is full of stories, metaphors, and teachings that show spiritual growth has a pace—and that pace is rarely as fast as we want it to be.

We live in a world that celebrates acceleration—faster breakthroughs, faster healing, faster transformation. But the soul doesn’t operate on a stopwatch. It moves at the speed of grace, not the speed of pressure. And grace has a pace.

Scripture quietly teaches us that God builds people slowly, intentionally, and lovingly. There are spiritual speed limits, not to restrict us, but to protect us.

God Grows Us in Seasons, Not Sprints

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says, “To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” Seasons have rhythms. They cannot be rushed without damage. You can’t force winter to become spring, and you can’t force your soul to bloom before it’s ready. God’s timing is not slow—it’s precise. When we try to accelerate what God is still cultivating, we end up exhausted, discouraged, or spiritually disoriented. But when we honor the season we’re in, we grow roots deep enough to sustain the fruit that will come.

Even Jesus Grew Slowly

Luke 2:52 tells us, “Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and man.”

If the Son of God Himself grew—gradually, steadily, over years—why do we expect instant transformation in ourselves? Spiritual maturity is not microwaved. It’s marinated.

God Leads at a Pace We Can Bear

When God delivered Israel from Egypt, He didn’t take them on the shortest route. Exodus 13:17 explains that God led them the long way “lest they face war and change their minds and return to Egypt.” In other words, God slowed them down to protect them. Sometimes the delay you resent is the mercy you don’t yet recognize. God knows what your heart can handle. He knows when you’re ready for the next step—and when you’re not.

Rushing Can Break What God Is Trying to Build

Proverbs 19:2 warns, “Desire without knowledge is not good—how much more will hasty feet miss the way!” Haste is not holy. Speed is not a spiritual gift. And urgency is not the same as calling. When we rush spiritual growth, we often end up bypassing the very healing God is trying to give us.

The Fruit of the Spirit Grows Slowly

Galatians 5:22–23 lists the fruit of the Spirit—love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Fruit doesn’t appear overnight. It grows through:

repetition
surrender
quiet obedience
small choices
daily faithfulness

Spiritual speed limits keep us from demanding fruit before the roots are ready. Fruit that is consumed outside of its peak can taste bad, but when it is experienced at the right time it is something that people want more of.

Rest Is Part of the Journey

Psalm 23 doesn’t say God suggests rest—it says He “makes me lie down in green pastures.” Sometimes God slows you down because your soul needs rest more than it needs progress. Rest is not a detour from spiritual growth; it is a dimension of it. Learn to honor the rest. See the value in it. Be thankful for it and appreciate it.

Trusting God Means Trusting His Timing

Isaiah 40:31 promises, “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength.” Waiting is not wasted time. Waiting is a strengthening time. When you honor your spiritual speed limit, you’re not falling behind—you’re aligning with God’s pace for your life.

The Invitation: Grow at the Speed of Grace

Spiritual speed limits aren’t barriers. They’re blessings. They remind us that God is not in a hurry with us—and we don’t need to be either. You are allowed to grow slowly. You are allowed to heal gradually. You are allowed to take the long way. Because God is not measuring your speed. He’s shaping your soul.

Big Mac Attack

July 23, 2026June 15, 2026 / Mark Brady / Leave a comment

Jack approached the counter like a knight on a quest,
Determined to order the burger he loved best.
But his tongue rebelled like a mutinous crew—
“T-t-two a-a-all b-b-beef—oh no, not again… not you!”

The cashier leaned in as a therapist would,
Saying, “Take your time, buddy. You’re doing good.”
Jack clenched his fists, summoned courage to overcome his fear,
And unleashed the order with a rebel’s cheer:

“TWO ALL-BEEF PATTIES, SPECIAL SAUCE, LETTUCE, CHEESE, PICKLES, ONIONS ON A SESAME SEED BUN!”
The lights flickered. A small child screamed.
The cashier entered his order and then adjusted her hat,
It’s McDonald’s, so I have to ask, “You want fries with that?”

“Y-y-yes, Th-th-that would be f-f-fine.”
“I e-e-eat th-th-them first, when I d-d-dine.”
As Jack enjoyed his burger, he had a thought that was tall,
Stuttering is no big deal. It’s just a foreign language, that’s all.

Raising a Child to Know God

July 21, 2026May 29, 2026 / Mark Brady / Leave a comment

Illustration depicting Lily from infant to young adult with age ranges and activities — Image generated via AI.

Raising a child to know God is one of the holiest assignments a parent will ever receive. It’s not accidental, automatic, or something that “just happens.” Scripture paints it as intentional, daily, relational work—planting seeds that the Holy Spirit will water for a lifetime.

The Call Begins at Home — Not at Church

God places the primary responsibility for spiritual formation on parents.
Deuteronomy 6:6–7 says these commands must be “on your hearts” and that you should “teach them diligently to your children.”

This means your walk with God is the first sermon your child ever hears. They learn what faith looks like by watching you pray, forgive, repent, worship, and trust God in real time.

Build a Rhythm of God’s Word in Their Lives

Children thrive on repetition and routine. Scripture encourages this kind of steady, daily exposure. Psalm 119:11 reminds us to “hide God’s Word in our hearts.”

Ways to build that rhythm:

Daily Scripture moments — a verse at breakfast or bedtime
Worship together — even simple songs plant deep truths
Bible storytelling — make Scripture come alive with imagination and joy

You’re not lecturing; you’re shaping their spiritual instincts.

Model a Life That Makes God Attractive

Paul told believers, “Imitate me as I imitate Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1). Your child will imitate what you celebrate.

If they see you:

turn to prayer when stressed
speak with kindness
repent when wrong
serve others joyfully

…they will learn that following Jesus is not a burden but a blessing.

Correct With Grace, Not Just Rules

Rules without relationship lead to rebellion. But discipline rooted in love reflects God’s heart.
Ephesians 6:4 warns parents not to “provoke your children to anger” but to raise them in the “discipline and instruction of the Lord.” This means correction should always point them back to God’s character—His holiness, His mercy, His truth.

Pray Over Them Continually

You can teach them truth, but only God can transform their hearts. Prayer is how you place your child in God’s hands daily. Pray for:

their salvation
their future friendships
their purity
their calling
their protection
their hunger for God

But what if they grow up and reject God

Proverbs 22:6 — “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.” This scripture notes the way a child “should” go, but it doesn’t promise that they will. There can be a lot of reasons for that, but the bottom line is – free will.

Most likely, they get influenced by some individual(s) before they realize the pleasure of having a personal relationship with God. Whether the influencer is a wayward parent, a friend, a love interest, or someone else the child becomes interested in and how “they” live their life without God. The child may be deceitfully only seeing the good parts of the influencer’s life.

If that has happened to your child, it can break your heart. You could worry, fret with fear, or you can give it to God. In some cases, the child will know in their heart that the lifestyle they have chosen isn’t right, but they will find ways to ignore it, and one way may even be to stop talking to you. That may be because they know you represent God. Whether you say something to them, hoping they will return to God, or not. Never stop praying for them.

A Closing Prayer

Lord, thank You for entrusting this precious child to my care. Give me wisdom to teach them Your ways, courage to model Your character, and grace to lead them with love. Plant Your Word deep in their hearts and draw them to Yourself all the days of their lives. Amen.

The Wild, Swinging Life of Gary the Golf Ball

July 20, 2026June 14, 2026 / Mark Brady / Leave a comment

Animated golf ball with expressive face flying off a tee saying YEE-HAW — Image generated via AI,

Gary the Golf Ball was born in a factory, but he always felt he was destined for greatness, maybe a trophy shelf, maybe a commercial, maybe a dramatic slow‑motion montage with inspirational music. Instead, he got Carl.

Carl was a weekend golfer with the confidence of a pro and the accuracy of a man throwing spaghetti at a ceiling fan. Gary’s very first moment on the tee was magical. The sun glowed. The birds sang. Carl whispered, “Let’s do this, buddy.” Then Carl swung. Gary shot off the tee like a meteor fired by someone who had never seen a meteor. He soared majestically… for about three seconds… before hooking violently left and landing in a patch of weeds that smelled like sadness.

Gary spent the next 20 minutes lying in the grass while Carl stomped around muttering things that would get him kicked out of church. A squirrel approached. Gary thought, Finally, a friend. The squirrel thought, Finally, a snack. Gary reconsidered his optimism.

Eventually Carl found him and whacked him again — this time sending Gary directly into a pond with the precision of a man who absolutely meant to do that. Gary sank slowly, dramatically, like a Titanic reenactment performed by a marble. He lived underwater for seven days. He made peace with the frogs. He learned their ways.

One morning, a long metal claw descended from the heavens and scooped him up like a UFO abducting a confused farm animal. Gary was reborn. He was cleaned, dried, and tossed into a giant bucket with 200 other balls that all had PTSD.

Gary now lives at the driving range, where his daily routine includes:

Getting launched by beginners — They swing like they’re fighting invisible bees.
Being stepped on by instructors — “Oops, sorry, little guy,” they say, stepping on him again.
Listening to dads explain physics incorrectly — “It’s all about torque, son,” says a man who has never torqued anything successfully.

Gary has accepted his fate. He will never win a championship. He will never be signed by Titleist. He will never star in a slow‑motion Nike ad narrated by Morgan Freeman. But every time someone absolutely smokes him 250 yards downrange, he thinks:

“I may be a scuffed, dented, emotionally unstable golf ball…but dang it, I can still fly.”

Why You Should Not Want to Go to Hell

July 17, 2026May 29, 2026 / Mark Brady / 1 Comment

Hell is hot, loud, miserable, eternal, and has zero customer service. Also, the Wi‑Fi is terrible.

Wooden sign with text 'HELL IS NO JOKE. FIERY WARNING. The wages of sin is death. Repent.' near a smoky, burning canyon — Image generated via AI.

1. The Climate Is… Suboptimal

Hell makes Death Valley in August look like a breezy Colorado morning. If you’ve ever stepped outside in July and said, “Wow, it feels like the devil’s armpit out here,” congratulations—you’ve already experienced the mild setting. Jesus described hell as a place of “weeping and gnashing of teeth” (Matthew 13:50). Translation: no shade, no breeze, no Sonic Happy Hour. If you’re thinking, “Well, I like warm weather,” let me lovingly challenge you with eternal consequences. Eternity is a long time to be medium‑rare.

2. The Neighbors Are… Not Ideal

You know that one driver who cuts you off, then slows down, then signals left while turning right? Imagine being stuck behind that guy forever. Hell is full of people who said, “I don’t need God, I’ll do things my own way.” Which is basically the spiritual equivalent of saying, “I don’t need Google Maps, I’ll just vibe it.” Proverbs 14:12 says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.” In other words, your gut feeling is not always your friend.

3. The Noise Level Is Worse Than a Walmart on Black Friday

Jesus described hell as a place of “wailing.” (Matthew 13:42) Not singing. Not humming. Not even off‑key karaoke. Wailing. Forever. If you’ve ever lived in an apartment with upstairs neighbors who apparently train elephants at 2 AM, you already know the ambiance.

4. Zero Comforts, Zero Breaks, Zero Escape

Hell has:

No vacations
No naps
No iced coffee
No Chick‑fil‑A
No air conditioning
No hope

Revelation 14:11 says the torment “has no rest day or night.” Even your worst Monday has a bedtime. Hell doesn’t. It will be constant torment for eternity.

5. God Doesn’t Want You There Anyway

Hell was never designed for humans. It was “prepared for the devil and his angels” (Matthew 25:41). So, going to hell is basically crashing a party you weren’t invited to…

…except the party is on fire
…everyone is screaming
…and the host hates you.

God’s heart is clear: “He is not willing that any should perish” (2 Peter 3:9). He literally went to the cross to keep you out of hell.

6. Heaven Is a Much Better Option

Heaven has:

Joy
Peace
God’s presence
No tears
No pain
No death
No HOA fees

Revelation 21:4 says God will wipe away every tear. Hell, meanwhile, hands you a towel and says, “Good luck.” Hell will be missing one key element that heaven will be full of…LOVE.

Final Thought:

Hell is real, terrible, eternal, and absolutely avoidable.
Jesus didn’t just warn us about hell—He made a way out.
And He did it because He loves you more than you can imagine.

God’s rescue plan is not vague, complicated, or hidden. It’s shockingly direct, painfully costly, and unbelievably generous.
Here’s the clearest way to understand it — the way Scripture itself frames it.

The Problem:

The Bible describes the human condition as more than “mistakes” or “bad habits.” It’s a spiritual catastrophe — separation from God, corruption of the heart, and a destiny we cannot escape on our own.

Sin separates us — “Your sins have separated you from your God” (Isaiah 59:2).
We cannot fix ourselves — “No one is righteous… not even one” (Romans 3:10).
Judgment is real — not because God is cruel, but because sin destroys everything it touches.

This is the “cosmic disaster” — a spiritual death we cannot outrun.

The Rescue:

God’s plan is not advice, not self‑improvement, not religion. It is an intervention.

Jesus enters our world — fully God, fully man.
He takes our place — “He became sin for us” (2 Corinthians 5:21).
He absorbs the judgment — the wrath, the penalty, the separation.
He rises again — proving the rescue is complete.

God didn’t send a plan. He came as the plan.

The Offer:

This is where the gospel becomes almost offensive in its simplicity.

Grace — God does the saving.
Faith — you trust what He did.
New birth — God gives you a new heart, new identity, new destiny.

“It is by grace you have been saved, through faith… not by works.” (Ephesians 2:8–9)

You don’t climb to God. God comes down to you.

The Result:

The moment you accept Jesus Christ, the moment you ask Him into your life:

Your sins are forgiven
You are adopted
You are made new
You are sealed for eternity
You become a citizen of heaven

This is not behavior modification. It’s rescue, rebirth, and relocation.

The Response:

God’s plan is complete. The only unfinished part is your response.

Turn to Him
Trust Him
Follow Him

Not by trying harder. By surrendering.

Detramentall, the Pill That Does… Well, Too Much

July 16, 2026June 14, 2026 / Mark Brady / Leave a comment

Round hard candy with blue and white diagonal stripes on white background — Image generated via AI.

In the town of Ker‑Plinket on Wobble‑Woo Way,
A doctor cried, “Try this! It’ll brighten your day!”
A pill called Detramentall, all stripey in blue,
“It fixes your hiccups! It freshens you, too!”

But the label was long, like a long-handled rake,
And the list of side effects made the townspeople quake.

You might:

Grow surprise antlers — just two or just ten
Speak fluent seagull from midnight to then
Float to the ceiling like helium air
Randomly moo at a store clerk, but that’s rare
Turn chartreuse and polka‑dot too
Forget your own birthday, then celebrate two

And the final line read, with a sinister thrill:
“May cause temporary death. But only if still.”

So the folks of Ker‑Plinket said, “Thanks, but we’ll pass.
We’d rather keep hiccups than moo when buying gas.”

Detramentall™ — Radio Commercial

Are you tired of minor annoyances like tangled earbuds, lukewarm coffee, or remembering that thing you said in 2014? Ask your doctor about new Detramentall™, the pill that may or may not help!

Detramentall works by stimulating the vibro‑nimbus receptors in your general attitude region, giving you the confidence to say, “Eh, good enough!”

But Detramentall isn’t for everyone. Or… anyone.

Side effects may include:

Unplanned yodeling
Sudden attachment to household appliances
Becoming slightly transparent
Aggressive jazz‑handing
Speaking only in riddles
Turning into a cloud for up to 12 minutes
And in rare cases… death.
Like, actual death. But only on weekdays.

Do not take Detramentall if you are allergic to Detramentall, gravity, or the concept of Tuesdays.

Detramentall™ — because life is complicated…and this makes it more so.

A Man’s Fingerprint

July 14, 2026May 29, 2026 / Mark Brady / Leave a comment

Black fingerprint with clear ridges and whorls on white paper — Image generated via AI.

A man’s fingerprint is one of the quiet miracles we carry with us every day. No two are alike — not among the billions alive today, not among those who lived before us, and not among those who will come after us. A fingerprint is a signature of identity, a God‑designed marker that says, “You are uniquely made.”

But the fingerprint on your heart — the one God Himself presses there — is even more extraordinary.

Every fingerprint is formed in the womb, shaped by pressure, movement, and the mysterious artistry of biology. Scientists can explain the mechanics, but they cannot explain the meaning behind such individuality. Your fingerprint is a physical echo of a spiritual reality: God creates with intention.

Fingerprints remind us of:

Identity — no one else carries your exact pattern
Purpose — uniqueness is never accidental
Design — complexity always points to a Creator

Scripture affirms this truth:

“I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14

God’s Fingerprint on a Man’s Heart

If your physical fingerprint proves your uniqueness, God’s spiritual fingerprint proves His nearness. God leaves His imprint on the human heart in ways far deeper than ridges on skin. His Calling — the imprint of purpose. God marks a man with a sense of direction that cannot be shaken. “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works…” (Ephesians 2:10). His Conviction — the imprint of holiness. Conviction is not condemnation; it is the gentle pressure of God shaping the heart like a potter shapes clay. “I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you.” (Ezekiel 36:26)

His Compassion — the imprint of love. When God touches a man’s heart, compassion grows where hardness once lived. “The love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit…” (Romans 5:5). His Correction — the imprint of fatherhood. A father disciplines because he loves, and His correction leaves a mark that guides us back to life. “For the Lord disciplines the one He loves…” (Hebrews 12:6)

Fingerprints Tell a Story

A fingerprint on a crime scene tells investigators who was present. A fingerprint on a phone unlocks access. A fingerprint on a document verifies authenticity. Likewise, God’s fingerprint on your heart tells the world:

Who you belong to
What has shaped you
Whose image you bear

When God marks a man, the evidence is unmistakable.

A Closing Reflection

Your fingerprint is unrepeatable. God’s fingerprint on your heart is undeniable. One proves you were created. The other proves you are called.

Prayer for God to Shape My Heart

Father,
Shape my heart with Your hands.
Where I am hard, soften me.
Where I am weak, strengthen me.
Where I am wandering, guide me back.

Press Your truth into my thoughts,
Your peace into my worries,
and Your love into every part of me.

Make my heart reflect You —
in what I desire,
in how I live,
and in who I become.

I am Yours.
Mold me for Your glory.
Amen.

I Don’t Believe in Monsters

July 13, 2026June 13, 2026 / Mark Brady / Leave a comment

Man typing on laptop in office with monstrous demon behind him — Image generated via AI.

Stephen liked to say he didn’t believe in monsters; he just made a living inventing them. But every night, long after his deadlines had passed and the house had settled into its old-bones creaking, he found himself listening for footsteps that weren’t his.

It started with the tapping. At first, he blamed the radiator. Then the wind. Then the neighbor’s kid. But the taps always came in threes, always from the same spot: the back of his office door. The one he always kept shut when he wrote, because he swore he could feel someone standing behind it.

One night, curiosity won. He opened the door fast, hoping to catch whatever it was off guard. Nothing. Just the hallway, dim and empty.

He laughed at himself, shut the door, and sat back down at his desk. His laptop screen glowed with the unfinished paragraph of his latest horror novel, a scene where the protagonist hears tapping from behind a door.

Three taps answered from behind him. Slow. Deliberate. Stephen froze. His fingers hovered over the keys. The taps came again, louder this time, and his laptop cursor began to move on its own, letters appearing one by one.

STOP WRITING ME.

His breath hitched. The room felt smaller, the air colder. He tried to slam the laptop shut, but the lid wouldn’t budge, as if invisible hands held it open. More words appeared.

I DON’T WANT TO BE IN YOUR STORIES. I WANT TO BE IN YOUR HOUSE.

The office door creaked open behind him. Stephen didn’t turn around. He didn’t need to. He could feel the breath on his neck, warm, damp, and very, very real. The tapping had stopped. The footsteps had begun. Stephen said out loud, “I’m getting too old for this stuff! I don’t care if I am Stephen King!”

SMS

July 10, 2026May 29, 2026 / Mark Brady / Leave a comment

Feeling stranded on a deserted island is terrifying — but feeling spiritually stranded can be even more disorienting. Both situations demand intentional survival, clear priorities, and the courage to keep going when everything in you wants to give up. Below is a spiritual blog post that compares a literal survival list with the survival tools God gives us when we feel alone, overwhelmed, or spiritually marooned.

There are seasons when walking with God feels less like a peaceful garden stroll and more like waking up on a deserted island with nothing but questions, exhaustion, and a vague hope that help is coming. But just like a castaway needs tools to survive, God gives us spiritual tools to endure, rebuild, and thrive.

1. Water Purification → The Word of God

On a deserted island, the first priority is clean water. Without it, the body weakens quickly. Spiritually, the Word of God is our water — pure, cleansing, life‑sustaining. “Sanctify them by the truth; Your word is truth.” (John 17:17) When your soul feels dry, confused, or polluted by fear, Scripture filters the lies and refreshes the heart.

2. Fire Starter → The Fire of the Holy Spirit

Fire means warmth, protection, and the ability to keep going. Paul told Timothy,
“Fan into flame the gift of God.” (2 Timothy 1:6) When you feel spiritually deserted, the Holy Spirit rekindles passion, courage, and clarity. He keeps the cold of discouragement from freezing your faith.

3. Shelter Materials → God as Your Refuge

A castaway needs shelter from storms, heat, and predators. Spiritually, God Himself becomes our shelter: “You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble.” (Psalm 32:7) When life feels harsh, unpredictable, or hostile, His presence becomes the roof over your soul.

4. Cutting Tool → Discernment

A knife on a deserted island is used to cut away what doesn’t belong — vines, branches, obstacles. Spiritually, discernment does the same. “Test everything; hold fast what is good.” (1 Thessalonians 5:21) When you feel spiritually isolated, discernment helps you cut away lies, distractions, and destructive thoughts.

5. Fishing Kit → Daily Spiritual Nourishment

A castaway must find food daily — not once a week. Jesus said, “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.” (Matthew 4:4) When you feel spiritually deserted, you must feed your spirit intentionally: prayer, worship, scripture, fellowship (even if it’s just one trusted believer).

6. Signal Mirror → Crying Out to God

A signal mirror is used to get the attention of rescuers. Spiritually, calling out to God is not weakness — it’s survival. “Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you.” (Psalm 50:15) When you feel alone, your cry becomes your signal flare.

7. Compass → The Guidance of the Spirit

A compass keeps a castaway from walking in circles. Spiritually, the Holy Spirit keeps us from wandering aimlessly. “He will guide you into all truth.” (John 16:13) When you feel directionless, He points you toward hope, purpose, and the next right step. He also keeps you facing your true North, remembering your purpose and what you were made for.

8. First Aid Kit → God’s Healing

Injuries happen on deserted islands — and in deserted seasons. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3) God doesn’t just help you survive the island — He heals what the island wounded.

Final Thought: You Are Not Actually Alone

Even when you feel spiritually deserted, you are not abandoned. Jesus promised, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5) A deserted island season is not punishment — it’s preparation. It’s where God teaches you to rely on Him, hear Him clearly, and discover that His presence is enough. And when the rescue comes — and it will — you’ll walk out stronger, wiser, and more anchored than before. Oh! “SMS” stands for “Save My Soul.”

The Great Rickenbacker Funeral Stakeout

July 9, 2026June 13, 2026 / Mark Brady / Leave a comment

Wooden casket with floral arrangement in a chapel filled with seated mourners dressed in black — Image generated via AI.

Alice Rickenbacker had many hobbies, collecting ceramic frogs, alphabetizing her cereal boxes, and overthinking literally every social interaction she’d ever had. But her true passion, the one that kept her up at night, was wondering what people really thought of her.

Not what they said to her face. Not the polite “Oh Alice, you’re so… unique.” She wanted the unfiltered, unvarnished, brutal truth. And so, naturally, she did what any completely reasonable, emotionally stable adult would do: she faked her own death.

Alice lay stiff as a breadstick inside a rented casket from Morty’s Budget Memorials, the only funeral home with a coupon program. She had a tiny airhole, a thermos of iced coffee, and a notebook titled “Operation: What Do They Really Think?”

Her plan was simple:

Play dead.
Listen.
Rise dramatically if someone said something unforgivable.
Profit (emotionally).

The service began.

Her best friend, Marla, sniffled loudly. “Oh, Alice… she always borrowed my clothes without asking, but she returned them… eventually.” Alice scribbled: Marla: mild resentment, but manageable.

Her coworker, Todd, stepped up next. “Alice was… well… she was definitely in the office.” Alice wrote: Todd: neutral, possibly a goldfish in human form.

Then came her neighbor, Mrs. Dingleberry, who always smelled faintly of cabbage and judgment. “Alice was a strange woman,” she declared. “She once yelled at my begonias for ‘looking smug.’” Alice wrote: Accurate.

Everything was going fine, better than expected, actually, until she heard the next comment. It came from her cousin, Brent, who had the emotional depth of a damp paper towel. He cleared his throat. “Well… at least now she can’t ruin Thanksgiving with her conspiracy theories about squirrels.” Alice exploded out of the casket like a jack-in-the-box powered by pure indignation.

“SQUIRRELS DO HAVE A SECRET SOCIETY, BRENT!”

The crowd screamed. Mrs. Dingleberry fainted into a floral arrangement. Todd dropped his phone and whispered, “I knew it.” Alice stood there, hair full of funeral lilies, pointing dramatically at Brent like a resurrected Phoenix of Petty. “You take that back! I have never ruined Thanksgiving. That was Aunt Patty and her ‘experimental gravy.’” Brent shrieked and dove behind a pew.

The Aftermath

Once everyone calmed down and once the funeral director stopped hyperventilating, Alice explained her plan. Surprisingly, most people forgave her. Marla hugged her. Todd asked if he still got bereavement leave. Mrs. Dingleberry demanded reimbursement for emotional damages. And Brent… well… Brent refused to make eye contact with her for the rest of eternity, which Alice considered a win.

Moral of the Story

If you want to know what people really think of you, you could try honest communication, emotional vulnerability, or healthy self-reflection. Or you could do what Alice did. But maybe… don’t.